Women & Church Activities: It's time to take it back

My husband says that my defining characteristic is saying the things that need to be said when no one else will say them. So on this Sabbath day morning, I'm going to do just that...

Female leadership in the Church (the head, not the body of believers) has been whittled down to the following:

1. Our ability to entertain
2. Our showcase factor
3. Double-checking with a man first

President Uchtdorf goes after 1 & 2 in his talk, Forget me Not. In it we have such gems as,

"...Insisting that you have a picture-perfect family home evening each week—even though doing so makes you and everyone around you miserable—may not be the best choice."

and

"Dedicating some of our time to studying the scriptures or preparing to teach a lesson is a good sacrifice. Spending many hours stitching the title of the lesson into homemade pot holders for each member of your class perhaps may not be." 

How did we get to the point where such things need to be said, from an apostle, from the pulpit? Brace yourself for what I'm about to tell you. I believe we're at this point because once the keys to Relief Society were turned back to the Church Presidency (in the Age of Correlation) the traditional gender roles for women were emphasized and commodified. Power was replaced with perception. In other words, we have women trained to believe homemaking is the peak of their womanhood, and if they want recognition they can have it through their church callings. Turning things on its head means starting with "how will this look?" instead of "how can we teach people to feel the Holy Ghost?" Over time this corrodes our trust in women's divines powers of discernment, prophesying, and seership. 

As I've sounded the alarm about this problem I've had negative reactions (as is to be expected when confronting tough stuff) with just as many confirmations that this problem is widespread and ranges from laughable to injurious. Whether it's the Relief Society member decrying the "Simplify." theme because it's not decorative enough for their tastes, to primary-aged children getting lambasted for mis-stepping a coordinated "service dance," these moments add up. I'll include my own here. Two young girls and I were recently deflated as our leader expressed dismay that we had put the "iron rod cheese sticks" in the "Nephi fruit boat." (I kid you not.) Up until that point we were having a bonding moment making preparations together. Afterwards, during the activity itself, the children were on the rambunctious side and the adults were losing their voices trying to call them to attention. Things ended with kids picking apart the decorations on their Liahona cupcake and loading up on Gold Plate rice krispie treats. I sidled up to one child and pointed out the attempted symbolism, to which her frosting-covered lips pronounced, "m'Okay." Stepping back from that moment I saw a group of harried women who comforted each other in the knowledge that --at least on Pinterest-- this activity looked good.

Now let me tell you about a different approach. 

Some time ago I was sitting in a stake young women's meeting to discuss activities for New Beginnings. Every ward but one, the Spanish-speaking branch, had affluence among its resources. We were to each explain the marvelous events we've hosted in the past. A pattern emerged. "I went to [insert for-profit LDS website] and downloaded (i.e. paid for) this party theme" and/or "I found this Pinterest idea..." followed by a sprint to get it all done in time for the activity. Finally, a sister from the Spanish-speaking branch stood up. She apologized that her English wasn't very good and used an interpreter. She went on to say that the first thing she and her counselors did was pray for their young women. They felt strongly that they needed to feel loved as individuals. The thought came to them that they should ask each family to surprise their daughter with their favorite meal and for both parents to write a personalized letter describing how proud they are of their girl for her choices to keep the faith. That's it. No bedazzled centerpieces. No cutesy signage. Just a meal and a letter. And that made for an experience they'll never forget. The content and the contrast in that moment silenced everyone in the room. The Spirit was so strong we all had tears in our eyes. 

So as one friend challenged me, what do I have to offer in this space? This graph, actually:

I call this the Activity Axis

You see that church activity axis? We want to aim for the upper right quadrant as much as possible. Now and then we will have to spend a great deal of time and resources to make a difference, that's cool, too (in moderation). With this paradigm shift (back) we can heed an apostle's directive:

"How can we tell the difference for our own situation? We can ask ourselves, “Am I committing my time and energies to the things that matter most?” There are so many good things to do, but we can’t do all of them." (Pres. Uchtdorf, 2011)

And I want to make something clear. A successful church activity led by women does not mean there'll be no complaints. It means not caring about patriarchal ideals, putting aside insecurities, doing what's most inviting to the Spirit, and empowering the attendant. To that end I'm going to collect alternatives to our current practices here and add on as I come across good examples.

I'll call this list "Personalized Pot Holders not Required":

• Primary
• Use dry ice to create a mist of darkness (turn off the lights) for the kids to walk through. Read the Tree of Life story afterward.
• Young Women
• Potluck with each lady's favorite dish and an encouraging letter from her parents
• Relief Society
• "7 Habits" book club
• Priesthood jeopardy
• Want to make a centerpiece? Okay, learn the fundamentals of floral design. 
• Stories of Faith
  Sisters share stories of women in their family who overcame trials faithfully
  The "centerpiece" is family photos and mementos. 
• "Done is better than Perfect"
  Sisters show how they pushed past the need to be "perfect" and completed a project
  Discuss how "Be ye therefore perfect" actually applies to receiving ordinances.

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