Women and Church Callings: Under the MAGNIFYing Lens

"We've called you to the nursery!"

 I was chatting with a friend whose very devout LDS mother-in-law told her a simple truth, "Women find value in church callings."  And I've been thinking about this ever since, because in the context of the conversation this woman was implying personal value.

This friend of mine is a lawyer; I'm a doctor. We don't derive much value from organizational* callings, to be quite honest. We were on this subject to discuss just that. Is it because we're cold-hearted career women? Ha! Do we love service? Yes! Do we want to dedicate our time and talents for good? Yes! Do we think that's best done within the stifling constraints of the patriarchy with the expectation that we'll use much of said time and talents to be a craft queen and the hostess with the mostess?** NO. So as we were discussing this she shared that quote from her mother-in-law, a stay-at-home mom. It came from the heart and with an explanation that so many LDS women forego education and/or career to raise a family without recognition. Church callings, this mother explained, give women like her a job to do with certain deliverables (my term, not hers) that garner public praise. In my experience these deliverables are often a seasonal banquette with impressive centerpieces and checked boxes for young women's activities. 

I love that this woman and so many other LDS women can find fulfillment like that. What I'm not keen on is the setup that makes these callings essential nourishment in a system that is anemic with female power. To be specific, several generations have passed during which LDS women have been exhorted/told/commanded to sacrifice their aspirations to support their husband's career, and instead accept callings that groom them to consistently double-check with a man. When a "good LDS woman has to work" (she'd never choose to, right?) too often she's made to feel contrite about it, and this is where church callings are accepted as penance. It's not a good look. And there are those who might interject at this point to say a woman always has the ability to decline a calling but, let's be clear, there's a lot of guilt built into that. The better thing to examine is if a woman can ever really give full consent to a calling when told the "offer" is coming from God and confirmed by a man whose power will always trump her own. 

This is not just a thought exercise for me and my friend. We're both at the age where childbirth is wrapping up, kids are nearly all school aged. For us this means we're more likely to be called to an organizational role (which was indeed the case for me).  For our same-age friends who find their value in church callings --let me be clear, this is not synonymous with staying at home-- I'm observing, hearing, listening to them explain a seismic shift to their world and their response to that, which appears to be either a doubling-down on church calling commitment and/or an honest reexamination of their life's choices to determine if they'd been true to themselves. A dear friend of mine determined sacrificing her aspirations had been the result of institutionalized shame, and this realization happened to occur when she was released from a calling. She described it as falling without a rope to hold on to. My heart broke for her. 

No woman should be led to feel or believe her worth rests in church callings. If you're reading that thinking no one is doing that intentionally, that's fine, but it's happening anyway and we need to stop that. At the same time, I do believe in helping where I can and accepting inspired callings that humble me because Lord knows I need it, and I know my worth isn't defined by my outward performance. And I share that as an educated woman who not long ago was chided for putting the "iron rod cheese stick in the Nephi fruit boat" as part of her calling. The struggle goes on. 

*i.e. "leader" versus teacher

**seems to be the cultural expectation