Rock or Sand? Calling out Shaky Foundations

Here we are again. Another Mormon celebrity excommunicated from the Church and it's all over the news. Even CNN.

Many are saying this is a travesty, an attack on sincere questioning and honest, intellectual discussion. Their testimonies are now shaken.

To that I say check your foundation.

Alright, alright, I can feel your eyes roll as you read that. But remember who's writing this. I'm a critical-thinking, liberal, feminist latter-day saint. I'm your homegirl. So gimme a sec, OK?

I too wanted someone to emerge and start a dialogue. Someone who would submit new ideas to the presidencies of the Church, or remind them of how we've turned our backs on old ones. I'm all about addressing the discrepancies in how we treat men and women, too, especially as it relates to personal worth.

It's just that the two big figure heads of these movements, the ones whose excommunications were highly publicized, they're not the chosen ones.

I remember talking to a friend in the hallway at church. He said I just had to listen to a new podcast. He told me the name and I assumed it was just like Mormon Conversations. I put aside time to listen that same evening, hoping for a spiritual boost. It was not. As I listened, it felt as though a hand of caution had been tenderly placed on my shoulder. Instead of warmth, I felt coolness in my chest. This can't be, I thought. I'd been told that the creator of this podcast was helping people to stay active in the Church. This guy was one of us, critical-thinking and solid. Right? I tried to persevere and listen to more episodes over the following months. After a while I just couldn't do it anymore. It simply felt like I was dipping my toes in quicksand. Imagine my horror then as I looked around and saw some of my dearest friends wading in this, up to their necks.

How could this happen?

By degrees, of course. From the several podcasts I listened to there emerged a pattern:

•  Flattery
•  Platitudes, mingled with scripture
•  Mockery & Falsehoods
•  Allowances
•  Fortification, the other kind

Allow me to go into detail, 

Flattery: Let's admit something, guys. We thoughtful Mormons know think we're so dang smart. We don't mind reminders about this. When we're told that all of our struggles in the Gospel are the result of our brilliant minds, it's intoxicating.

Platitudes, mingled with scripture: I heard quips from the beatitudes here and there, but the meat of the Gospel was scarce. I've noticed that when people leave the Church they forget all that was profound about it and end up lumping it in with other churches. Given that Mormonism is a demanding religion, it begins to sound like foolishness for one to continue practicing it when the blessings are no longer apparent.

Mockery & Falsehoods: This was a big one. Elder Maxwell once said there should be "no more uncontested slam dunks" against the Gospel. With those words in my mind, my ears nearly bled during the podcasts. People were allowed to say all sorts of things: That Mormons weren't allowed to follow the scientific method, that women can't have careers or passions, that the apostles and prophets are expected to be perfect, and so on. This was all taken at face value and laughed at. I was not amused.

Allowances: Suddenly it became OK to call the First Presidency and the apostles all sorts of names. Cowards, crooks, dinos, you name it. More than that, Mormonism was being redefined. Don't believe in the Book of Mormon or that Joseph Smith restored the Gospel? Okie dokie, all that matters is that you're a good person... Malarkey. That may be fine for people outside the Church, but its members are expected to hold a standard of integrity. Any and everyone who's baptized should know this.

Fortification, the other kind: Something that was most impressive (in a frightening way), was how well the podcasts and their offshoot blogs set up a standard to insulate doubts. I discovered this after I bore testimony to a friend about the divinity of Christ. He referred me to a list of dos and don'ts for active members speaking to those who were going apostate, I mean, "taking a different path." On this list I wasn't allowed to suggest that the adversary was working on him nor plead that he pray for strength to return to the fold. How convenient, right?

That is my report.

Do not, let me repeat, do not rest your testimony on these things or the people who promote them. It's OK to question, it's OK to struggle, but anything that strokes your ego at the cost of your relationship with Christ is no good. It's not even a sandy foundation, it's kitty litter.

As we say on the street, check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Watch your Words for Women

"You're a young lady, can I call you by your first name?"
No, because "doctor" implies power and authority. 

Perhaps because I've had to fight hard to maintain my status at work, I've been even more sensitive to how women are described in the Church.

Today I was reading the Ensign and there was yet another story about a woman who gladly sacrificed for her husband's career and callings. Next to that, a writer described the joy he had when he found a woman who wanted her husband to "love the Lord more than [her]." Ugh.

OK, I get it, the first great commandment is to love God with all our heart, mind, and strength. No one should be above Him, not even your spouse. But for whatever reason it finally hit me. You guys, have you ever heard a man say he's looking for a woman who loves God more than him? In all my years I've never. (This just in. My husband said he heard it once, more than 12 years ago.)

Another thing I heard with fresh feminist ears was the following: "You are vital to the work we do." I'm used to hearing the brethren say this with regard to the role of women in the Church. I normally find that statement comforting, but I had an experience at work that changed that. We were celebrating the expansion of our medical unit in the hospital. A lot of thought and voting went into making this happen. The business managers, nurse administrator, and physicians met together to push it forward. As part of the opening ceremonies the head nurse began thanking all the staff members and, seeing a janitor in the crowd, thanked her for her "vital work." And it's true, without housekeeping services we couldn't run a proper hospital. We desperately need them. But that doesn't mean they have any say in important matters. It can also come across as lip service if the subject is not otherwise held in high regard. (The janitor was referred to as "you" because the speaker didn't know her name.)

Words matter.

This post isn't about bashing anyone. It is about taking a good look at how we discuss the role of women in the Church and making a conscious effort to improve that. To that end, I'm going to create a table with commonly used phrases that fall short of empowering LDS women and provide alternatives.

Here goes.

Fine	Empowering
“We need women in the Church. They are vital.”	“Women have priesthood authority in their callings.”
“I want a man who loves the Lord more than me.”	“My spouse and I will progress towards godhood together. We will both put the Lord first.”
“Temple Matron”	I hope to live and see the day when we officially go back to “Temple Priestess.”
“I will cover up my body.”	“I will dress in a way that respects my body as a temple.”
“I suppose I can nurture.”	“I can employ my unique endowments as a woman.”
“Sister Smith is the primary president.”	“President Smith leads the Primary.”

What do you think? Do you have any other ideas or recommendations? I would love to receive more and include them in this list!

Update: A friend of mine pointed me to this article, which outlines the differences between two segments of the February 2015 New Era Magazine as they address young women and young men separately.  I am putting them in table format here:

Goals for Young Women	Goals for Young Men
Developing Talents	Doing Hard Things
Discovering True Beauty	Learning Useful Skills
Embracing Motherhood	Respecting Womanhood
Focusing on Eternal Goals	Serving In and Strengthening Your Priesthood Quorum
*Ran out of things to say*	Gaining An Education

Could we not come up with something better? Say...

Goals for Young Latter-day Saints

Challenge Yourself in Worthy Endeavors

Gain an Education and Skill Set

Maintain Standards of Purity & Chastity

Serve in Priesthood Callings

Also, in the name of giving credit where it's due, the Church has made significant changes to its curriculum in order to give substance to women's roles. See here.

Esteemed as Things of Naught Much

Plaque in  honor of Mother Theresa, a woman who defined herself.

I'm a doc, so I can't help but diagnose things with a goal to treat illness. And, oh, do I see a plague among the LDS. It has to do with how women view their self-worth, and how that view affects their relationships in our family-oriented church. While I maintain that the Church is true, there are subcultures within it that can take a good thing and derange it. As this relates to women and children, the results can be truly devastating. This is why I have to discuss this here and now.


Here is the cycle I see played out in the lives of too many women:

1. Some young women are taught that their self-worth is contingent upon two things: reproductive organs (including and especially an intact hymen) and what I call "temple recommend-ability." To have these goods is to be in a position where a man can free you from the nightmare that is being "just" a woman.
   
   And it is a nightmare for so many. I remember being a young convert and going to my single adult ward. There was a woman there who was turning 30 years old and I initially thought she had leukemia because people would weep over her as though she were dying: "Our poor Selma*! What's going to happen to her?" Said in Relief Society: "Next door, in Elder's Quorum, there are droves of men who could help Selma, but they choose not to." (Apparently, the men had some life-saving serum and were keeping it to themselves.) And for crying out loud, "She has no priesthood power in her home!"
   
   This, this is what happens when there aren't clear objectives for a woman's role in the Church if she is not a wife and mother. She may flounder around thinking the most she can offer are modest outfits and ovaries with an expiration date. On top of that, I don't know of another religion where the differences between married and unmarried women are so prominent. Case in point, I stood by the side of a woman whose identical twin had just gotten married. She told me she was happy for her sister, but expressed sadness by what appeared to be a chasm separating them: "She's endowed; I'm not. She's a wife; I'm not. She's having sex; I'm definitely not. Even our underwear is different now."
   
   Is it any wonder then that once a LDS girl turns 18, she may feel as though the hourglass has been set with the threat of being left behind and/or meeting the same fate as Selma? Or that any man who shows interest in her may be perceived as one who could save her poor soul?  All of this makes her desperate to get married and feeds into this notion that, without a man, a woman is of limited worth.
2. One desperate woman plus one man who thinks he's both her superior and hero = Success? Sometimes. Yes, this actually works for some people. I personally know women who go on and on about their hero husbands. --You know, the guys who saved them from spinsterhood? "Without him, I couldn't fulfill my divine role of Mother." "He took me to the temple." "He's so much smarter than me and I love it." And the husbands, they love it, too. (Check out their photos sometime, you'll see a trend. Women kneeling at their husbands' feet, or gripping their bodies close to them as though life depended on it.) Different strokes for different folks!
   
   But here's the potential problem so succinctly stated by Ferris Bueller: You can't respect somebody who kisses your. . . ahem, butt. --At least not respect them as your true equal. Once a man sees himself as having done his wife a huge favor by marrying her, things can get really problematic as both may come to believe that she is at his mercy. *gulp*
3. Then comes the baby in the baby carriage (hopefully). Hey, having kids is great. I have a couple of my own and I love 'em to pieces. Being a mother, we're told, is the ultimate experience in human existence. But of course not everyone can have this blessing and, even when it is "achieved," so many women believe that this, and only this role, is allowed to define them.
4. Grandma Status NOW. I'm not sure what's worse for some LDS women, that period of time when you're not sure if your reproductive parts work or that stage of life when you're waiting for grandkids. To understand why this is such a big deal, take a step back. For so many years, taking care of little children has been THE role that defined a woman. It follows that when those babies grow up and move away, a woman caught in this cycle may feel out of sorts and wonder what purpose she has left. This takes us back to item #1, where mom is telling daughter that she needs to get married ASAP and produce children so that both of them can have a place of honor in the church. 

As I noted above, this setup works for some many families. In fact, everything can be downright hunky-dory for participants in this cycle. . . Until there's a snag. What if you end up like Selma and a man never sets you free? What if you get the husband who becomes abusive because he feels entitled? Or what if you're like the following woman who "confessed" her infertility to our RS class?

There she stood in front of us, weeping as she was teaching yet another lesson on the importance of families. The doctor told her it was a problem with her, not her husband. With her lips quivering, I was prepared for her to lament not being able to experience co-creation with God, but instead she spoke of terrible guilt. Her mother had done everything "right." --Got married young, had lots of kids, but so far no grand-kids. Her mother had even informed her daughter that friends of hers who married later, had fewer children, were "passing her up to grandma status." By having a dysfunctional uterus, this woman had essentially damned both herself and her mother to that miserable place in the church where a woman's role and worth were not easily surmised. It was their personal hell. 

Needless to say, I don't think any of this is healthy. 

What's the treatment? Stopping the cycle before it starts. A young woman is worth more than her genitals, duh. She can strengthen home and family one day, yes, but she can also become a community servant, one committed to ending poverty and spreading Christlike love to her neighbors now. As we expand and better define the role of LDS women their potential grows. How we get this to occur at a higher, broader level is currently up for debate, but I do know that keeping this discussion going and calling out what's downright harmful is what needs to happen now. 

To be clear, this entry is not about bashing those who got married young (I consider myself to be part of that group), nor those who have lots of kids (the more the merrier!), but it is about doing the right things for the right reasons: Self-respect and love of God.  

*Name changed