Pure Ephraimite, AmIRight?

Brigham Young famously described Joseph Smith as "a pure Ephraimite." Likewise it is emphasized in the Book of Mormon itself that Joseph Smith is from Joseph of old (coming through Ephraim, as must needs be every president of the Church). This is a critical piece to the Ezekiel 37 prophecy, which describes a stick of Judah (Bible) and stick of Ephraim (Book of Mormon) coming together as scripture. 

There's just one problem. 

Joseph Smith Jr. was most likely not Jewish. Instead he was assuredly Irish. Northwest Irish to be exact.

But that's okay, because Ephraim wasn't always considered Jewish either. He was born of an Egyptian mother (Asenath) and he, along with his brother, Manasseh, had to be adopted into the 12 Tribes by their grandfather, Israel. His life among the patriarchs would be marked by excellence, as well as intense jealousy towards his uncle, Judah. 

To me, it would be poetic if God chose a gentile like Joseph Smith to restore a church for the ultimate gathering of Israel as a modern Ephraim, by blessing (not breeding) him into the fold of the chosen people he had long envied and tried to imitate. --Even through seer stones.

Let's talk about 3 different types of seer stones. Because this is not just about interesting genealogy (or lack thereof). I want to get to claims of power, authority, seership, and presidency today, and with bloodline out of the picture that leaves us looking elsewhere. 

David A. Baird/
Historical Arts and Castings

The first type of seer stone is the spectacle-like device attached to the gold plates. This was meant to help Joseph Smith visualize and interpret the words engraved upon them by ancient hands. Because these spectacles are attached to a breastplate like temple priests of old, they are later referred to as an urim and thummim.  Traditionally, the urim and thummim would help priests perform cleromancy, i.e. determining God's will in a black and white, binary way. I imagine it would provide feedback as to whether man's interpretation was correct or not. At some point Joseph Smith decides he doesn't want to work only in this rigid way; he produces his own seer stone. The one that looks like a chocolate egg.

By Welden C. Andersen and Richard E. Turley Jr.

The chocolate-colored seer stone was something Joseph Smith had from when he was a young boy and fancied himself as having the powers of ancient Hebrew seers. There's a name for this kind of behavior, it's called Anglo Israelism. In other words, those who are from Northern European descent will believe --against all evidence to the contrary-- that they are literal heirs to the same blessings of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. This includes claims to priesthood power, land possession, and succession. 

The amazing thing is that the chocolate seer stone seemed to work. Joseph Smith produced The Book of Mormon with it. Later, when he comes across Egyptian papyrus, Joseph Smith uses another stone (a white one) to produce The Book of Abraham. We are starting to understand now that the chocolate-colored and white stones were likely not used for historical translations, but rather inspiration to produce scripture that deepens our knowledge of God.  

I have a testimony of The Book of Abraham. By extension, I believe those seer stones worked, not because Joseph Smith has the blood of Ephraim pumping through him, but because God blessed him to use those stones for enlightenment as He did with the Brother of Jared. This ability to act as seer further established Joseph Smith's authority as head of the restored Church. 

And then he was murdered without a succession plan.

It seems unthinkable that after all that effort to restore the Church of Jesus Christ, a framework for how it should continue was not solidified. And yet there it was, a succession crisis lasting 6 months! Thankfully the doctrine of having an established presidency with keys was already in place, but who should combine those keys and take on the mantel of president, prophet, and seer was up for serious debate and produced several factions in that time. 

Ultimately Brigham Young took the reins of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but not since his predecessor do we see presidents of the Church using seer stones to establish doctrine and scripture. And yet we know the Church held on to the seer stone(s) because it was able to produce this item recently for exhibition. 

This is because, I believe, those stones serve as a type of "budded rod." Please allow me to explain.

The "budded rod" is described in the Old Testament as proof that Aaron and his sons should lead the Israelites. The parallel to the latter-day succession crisis is astounding. In both cases each of "The Twelve" believe they are next in line for power and authority. In Numbers 16 we learn that God commands the 12 to lay out their staffs (AKA rods) and return in the morning. The next day Aaron's staff has bloomed and has produced literal fruit (almonds). That secures his place as leader, and the rod's place in the Ark of the Covenant, next to the gold pot of manna, and the 10 Commandments. What was Brigham Young's "budded rod"? I surmise that it was the seer stone, which had produced the fruit of The Book of Mormon and was handed over to him by Oliver Cowdery. 

Brigham Young and his successors would likely deny it. He wanted it known that his authority lie in in his proximity to Joseph Smith AND being a literal descendant of Israel, like so many past presidents of the Church purported to be since. But a few things point against lineage being the actual, literal reason. First, we have modern hindsight to inform us that LDS presidents were mostly Northern European by DNA. Second, Brigham Young held on to the stone despite never using it --to our knowledge-- to produce scripture. Third, this could be coincidental, the box the stone was kept in was adorned with a rose blooming from its bud.

I need to take you a bit deeper into this symbolism if we're going to discuss applications for today. If we think the seer stone is a type of budded rod, then I imagine gold pot of manna is represented in our time by the new and everlasting covenants revealed to us, and the tablets are the scriptures by which we'll be judged. Just like in the days of old, the Ark of the Covenant is the outward representation of a people united and led by God. It also cements the authority of our doctrine. 

The imagery of the gold plates providing mana to our souls today is very beautiful. Let us not forget the plates were not the only things given to Joseph Smith by the angel, Moroni. He also presented the Sword of Laban and the Liahona. I think we tend to take that in as a neat factoid, and evidence that the events recorded in the Book of Mormon really did happen. While they certainly served that purpose, I have come to believe they were emblems of the Church Head and Body. Of Judgement and Mercy. Even of Joseph and Emma. If we combine these elements, it creates a figurative Mercy Seat atop of the Ark. I also interpret them as a warning: Lose your way and you will lose your life. 

Woman as the compass or Liahona is not an original thought I have. The scriptures and temple are teeming with this connection. And while I am more drawn to symbolism than early Church history, I do know that when Joseph Smith introduced polygamy Emma Smith became withdrawn, Joseph was murdered, and Emma --who had been charged to discern truth from error-- ceased to journey with Brigham Young. Since that time it seems the modern Ark of the Covenant went West, separating itself from the Mercy Seat, leaving a space filled with enmity between the men leading this Church and the outspoken women who ask them to redirect. 

Enmity might seem like a strong word, but I don't know how else to describe the response Brigham Young and his successors had after Emma stayed put. The words of the temple were changed so that women no longer received blessing unto God, but their husbands instead. The Relief Society became an auxiliary organization, instead of part of the "kingdom of priests." Further light about Heavenly Mother was stunted or blocked. And much more in the era of Correlation. This is life without a Mercy Seat, if you ask me. 

I wish to emphasize two things here. First, if you've read this far, thank you. Second, the new figurative Ark established Brigham Young as the one who should succeed Joseph Smith, and that authority lives on through our current structure utilizing the laying on of hands. I still can (and do) sustain current Church leaders in their roles because they are legitimately assigned to them. The only insight I have carved out for myself is that this legitimacy isn't rooted in Ephraimite blood, but rather a stone. This view further underscores my interpretation of Church leaders as the "wild branches" in Jacob 5 who are keeping this Gospel alive despite simultaneously bringing it to its knees (e.g. here, here). 

As Church authority lives on hand to head, remember too that Emma has a "lineage" of placing her hands on heads that are keeping up the work of discernment. And it is work. It would be much easier to simply take everything said over the pulpit as God's truth spoken by his Ephraimite messenger, and not challenge the messengers to produce tokens to validate. As Revelation puts it, straddling verses 11:19 & 12:1-2:

19 And the temple of God was opened in heaven, and there was seen in his temple the ^aark of his testament: and there were lightnings, and voices, and thunderings, and an earthquake, and great ^bhail.

1 ^aAnd there appeared a great wonder in heaven; a ^bwoman clothed with the sun, and the moon under her feet, and upon her head a crown of twelve stars:

2 And she being with ^achild cried, travailing in birth, and pained to be delivered.

Pained in delivering this ark, this Church and its proclamations in the latter-days. I don't know about you, but I feel that.  

This Land

In the problematic children's song, Book of Mormon Stories, the refrain mentions the Nephites (hereditary Jews) will be "given this land if they live righteously." Many if not most modern-day descendants of (white) pioneers identify with the Nephites and take this to mean America belongs to them. 

But were modern-day white pioneers really given the land? Or are they being tolerated on it so long as they keep their covenants?

Let's dive in.

The first thing to note is that when the Nephites refer to their "land of inheritance" in the early chapters of the Book of Mormon they are always meaning Israel (see 1Nephi17:21). Later on, when Christ appears to them during the Resurrection we get the following backstory and new paradigm:

Abraham was promised his children (the Jews) would be blessed. When they go astray spiritually, they will physically lose their way when dispersed by the gentiles (AKA white folks). In an odd turn of events, the gentiles will come to appreciate the Gospel and preach it far and wide. By doing so, the gentiles will bring the Jews back to a knowledge of God and all those blessings promised to Abraham to which they are heirs. When it comes to Israel (the literal land) the gentiles will even provide a way for a Jewish homecoming; for the Nephites (hereditary Jews) their "Israel" won't be overseas, but rather on the American continent(s). For their work in making this happen, the American gentiles will be blessed... But nowhere here does it say they'll be given the land. 

See for yourself, as spoken by the resurrected Lord on the American Continent:

7 But behold, thus saith the ^aLord God: ^bWhen the day cometh that they shall believe in me, that I am Christ, then have I covenanted with their fathers that they shall be ^crestored in the flesh, upon the earth, unto the ^dlands of their inheritance.

8 And it shall come to pass that they shall be ^agathered in from their long dispersion, from the ^bisles of the sea, and from the four parts of the earth; and the nations of the Gentiles shall be great in the eyes of me, saith God, in ^ccarrying them forth to the lands of their inheritance.

9 ^aYea, the kings of the Gentiles shall be nursing fathers unto them, and their queens shall become nursing mothers; wherefore, the ^bpromises of the Lord are great unto the Gentiles, for he hath spoken it, and who can dispute?

10 But behold, this land, said God, shall be a land of thine inheritance, and the ^aGentiles shall be blessed upon the land. (Emphasis added.)

So maybe you're thinking, okay, this was a preliminary chat with the Nephites about the Nephites. Surely the gentiles will get more mention, more blessings, and land inheritance later on? Okay, let's jump ahead to 3Nephi where again the Nephites are told that as members of the Tribe of Manasseh (House of Jacob) they will inherit a place in the Americas for all their trouble after being displaced. And you're right. The gentiles DO get more attention at this point, but buckle up for this one... The Nephites are promised that if the American gentiles (AKA white folks) happen to be unrepentant at the time of their inheritance, then they should tear them apart. Like a lion.

3Nephi20:

14 And the Father hath commanded me that I should give unto you this land, for your inheritance.
15 And I say unto you, that if the Gentiles do not repent after the blessing which they shall receive, after they have scattered my people
16 Then shall ye, who are a remnant of the house of Jacob, go forth among them; and ye shall be in the midst of them who shall be many; and ye shall be among them as a lion among the beasts of the forest, and as a young lion among the flocks of sheep, who, if he goeth through both treadeth down and teareth in pieces, and none can deliver.

In all truth, at this point, I'm starting to think the song should sound like this: "Taking it back, thanks a ton. Watch out now, ROAR!" 

Also, I've said it before and I'll say it again, white America grossly misinterprets 1Nephi13. As it pertains to this subject, especially verse 15 which offers the following description:

15 And I beheld the Spirit of the Lord, that it was upon the Gentiles, and they did prosper and ^aobtain the ^bland for their inheritance; and I beheld that they were white, and exceedingly fair and ^cbeautiful, like unto my people before they were ^dslain.

These words are prophetic, giving an accurate telling of what white pioneers will do to carve out America, thinking its their destiny when it's really a staging ground for them to preach the Gospel, and ultimately belongs to the Tribe of Manasseh. 

Even the reference to "obtain" here takes us to Mormon 5:19, which reads:
19 And behold, the Lord hath reserved their blessings, which they might have received in the land, for* the ^aGentiles who shall possess the land.

To be clear, this verse is clarifying how the Nephites will receive the American "Israel" from the Gentiles, who took it over. It is again attached to the paradigm outlined above, complete with gentile shredding:

20 But behold, it shall come to pass that they shall be driven and scattered by the Gentiles; and after they have been driven and scattered by the Gentiles, behold, then will the Lord ^aremember the ^bcovenant which he made unto Abraham and unto all the house of Israel.
21 And also the Lord will remember the ^aprayers of the righteous, which have been put up unto him for them.
22 And then, O ye Gentiles, how can ye stand before the power of God, except ye shall repent and turn from your evil ways?
23 Know ye not that ye are in the ^ahands of God? Know ye not that he hath all power, and at his great command the ^bearth shall be ^crolled together as a scroll?
24 Therefore, repent ye, and humble yourselves before him, lest he shall come out in justice against you—lest a ^aremnant of the seed of Jacob shall go forth among you as a ^blion, and tear you in pieces, and there is none to deliver.

I think if more American Church members understood this we would have a lot less pride. We would treat this beautiful land as a garden that is being cultivated for those prepared to receive the Gospel, not as a carving board with spoils going to a victor in the American work-ethic sense. For we already know who the actual victor is, it is Christ and those with whom He covenants and calls His heirs. 

*I honestly think this is a typo and should be "from" in order to stay consistent. 

The Law as a Safety Net; The Law as a Glass Ceiling

Transgression brought us out of the Garden and into the Telestial World. The commandments elevate us to a terrestrial world. We know that on the Day of Judgement, many good and honorable people will be assigned to the Terrestrial Kingdom. So what makes the difference between them and celestial folks? Well, if you look at the celestial life of Jesus Christ it looks like rule-breaking/bending, and greater focus on the spirit of the law rather than the rule of law. 

Yes, those same rules that serve as a safety net, keeping us from spiritual death and a telestial existence, might also be keeping us out of the presence of God the Eternal Father. And here's why I think this:


Sabbath
If you keep the law of the Sabbath you will be blessed temporally and spiritually. The Pharisees and Sadducees kept the Sabbath. So did Jesus, but he also healed on the Sabbath day for which they condemned Him. From Mark 3:

2 And they watched him, whether he would heal him on the sabbath day; that they might accuse him.
3 And he saith unto the man which had the withered hand, Stand forth.
4 And he saith unto them, Is it lawful to do good on the sabbath days, or to do evil? to save life, or to kill? But they held their peace.

Purity
Patriarchal cultures put a lot of emphasis on intact hymens. I'm not arguing that the Law of Chastity isn't important, but when presented with the woman taken in adultery Christ was quick to forgive her. From John 8:

10 When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?
11 She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.

His low key response here and, in contrast, intense condemnation of whoredoms in Jacob 2 in the Book of Mormon makes me wonder if the more upsetting component has to do with consent (i.e the lack thereof). Based on this, I worry less about the girl who "can't keep her legs crossed," than the husband who expects sex from his wife even though she's not into it.

Order
Remember when Jesus turned over the money exchange tables in the temple? I'm pretty sure that was against the rules.

Sometimes things gotta get messy, folks. I bet there were a bunch of people who thought Jesus forgot to be nice in this moment. To them he must've have looked telestial, but of course we know the opposite is true.

Cleanliness, Appearance
Jesus was not supposed to touch anything unclean, but He hung out with lepers and healed them. Similarly, when he was with Mary and Martha he told the latter the dirty dishes can wait (see Luke 10).

This makes me reflect on a lot of clean homes whose inhabitants might be surprised to see sloppy folks passing them by for a higher kingdom because their disheveled appearance came by working on that better part.

In all of these examples, Jesus looked bad in the eyes of law-loving men, but He was perfect in the sight of God. I think we really need to sit with this.

So how do we know when we're bending, breaking, or de-emphasizing rules for good?

The easy answer is: When God tells you to proceed, just like when He told Nephi to slay Laban to get the brass plates.

But women have this natural ability to perceive independent of the Holy Ghost, and that's where things get tricky. Eve illustrates this conundrum perfectly. Her eyes could see more clearly and much before Adam could, and she knew the key to progression lie in eating the forbidden fruit. She did the best thing, but without ratification from God, and was made to pay for it. From thenceforth she had to confirm the good thing she perceived was right with God as judged by Adam, setting off a pattern of compass (compassion) and square (legality) having to balance each other out. At least that's how we see things play out in the temple.

A reference to scripture, however, informs us that eventually the Holy Ghost came upon both Adam and Eve (see Moses 5) and Adam could finally see, and Eve could hear God directly. This is very important because to me this means women can initially perceive when a law needs to be transgressed, and then seek confirmation by the Holy Ghost (not a man) to confirm. If she, like Eve, proceeds without God's blessing then and only then is this problematic.

Meanwhile, men who hear and follow the guidance of the Holy Ghost will not falter, unless distracted by false emblems of the priesthood. These emblems are rules and regulations not from God, but are nevertheless tempting due to the (unrighteous) dominion they could provide in a patriarchal structure.

Hearing and seeing, perceiving and ratifying. The careful use of these principles should light a path to the celestial law that will be clear to the one following the Lord, and baffling to the honorable saint who played it safe, not reaching for the bounds the Lord had set. I wonder if they will find themselves as the servant who buried his talent in the ground, losing even what they had (celestial covenants) while the saint known to be on the fringes receives in abundance.

I Would Follow Him

I remember kneeling in my college dorm room and asking my Father in Heaven to help me realize my dream of becoming a doctor. I told Him I didn't know how it would all work out with what seemed to be competing hopes of marriage and family, but that I had faith that if He assisted me on this path I would make sure to glorify Him and give thanks.

My desire to pursue medicine found expression in the hymn, Lord, I Would Follow Thee, particularly this line,

I would be my brother’s keeper;
I would learn the healer’s art.
To the wounded and the weary
I would show a gentle heart.

A healer! Not only did the science of medicine capture my attention, but this concept of healing brought me closer to understanding Christ's ministry, which centered on closing wounds both physical and spiritual.

At the end of college I bid a temporary farewell to my boyfriend, Tim, a returned missionary and California boy, to do lab research for a year just outside my hometown of Chicago. Though the lab was reachable by train, I ended up requesting on-site housing because the environment in my home had become unbearable due the tension surrounding my conversion to the Church of Jesus Christ. It was a lonely time for me, and each day I prayed that Tim would be able to find a job in Chicago so that we could start our life together.

I still came home on the weekends and I dreaded Sundays the most because my determination to attend church was viewed as rebellion. The ensuing arguments drove away the Spirit and after a while I gave up going. At this point I was feeling very anxious about my life. I couldn't seem to find peace, and watching my friends move on to graduate school and/or start families while I lived in uncertainty made me feel left behind despite how happy I was for them. I turned to my grandparents, Mel and Norma, who were my pillars of strength and they encouraged me to act with love for Jesus Christ and show faith in Him. I reflected on that advice and pondered on which things I still had control. It dawned on me that I hadn't paid tithing and I began to have hope that if I offered this simple sacrifice, God would truly pour out His blessings for my relief (Malachi 3:10).

The following Sunday I set out early to make it to sacrament meeting before my departure would be considered "disruptive" by my parents. I couldn't wait to pay my tithing and settle into the pews. It felt good to be back, and I was enjoying having some time to myself to sit and ponder when a young returned missionary named Roy sat next to me. Thinking he had a romantic interest I quickly informed him that, "I [had] a boyfriend and, by the way, could [he] help him find a job?" Roy (who I later learned was just trying to be friendly, and was dating his future wife) didn't miss a beat. He smiled and asked for more info.

Within a month both Tim and I had interviews in Chicago. His was at a position with Roy's company; mine were for medical school. The momentum kicked in from there: Tim got the job and moved to Chicago, I was accepted to my top choice program, and we got engaged! My parents' reaction to our decision to marry in the temple was not warm (to say the least), but even this setback seemed surmountable because Grandpa Mel and Grandma Norma were going to house me in their tiny apartment until our wedding so that I could find respite. Everything was turning out well, and to this day my testimony of tithing is rock solid because of these clear blessings as its result.

I had been a member of the Church for a little less than three years at this point and I was so glad life could be lived with the simple premise: obedience means everything will work out perfectly! ... So imagine my shock and dismay when I came back from a temple open house to learn that while I was gone my family had been in a horrific car accident. Grandma Norma was dead; Grandpa Mel was hospitalized (and would never come home), and my mother had broken bones. This time is still a blur to me, but I remember a funeral that seemed to be immediately followed by my white coat ceremony for medical school. The one and only photo from that day shows me trying to muster a smile with my family around me, my mother notably in a wheelchair and my grandparents' absence leaving a gaping hole from which I have yet to recover.

How was I to learn the healer's art now that I had my own broken heart to struggle with? I wasn't sure. When I was at school it was easy to put aside my emotions because I was around other people and the amount of information put in front of me was all-consuming. At night, however, I felt lonely and generally depressed being in my grandparent's apartment without them. My wedding was only 5 months away, and Tim and I would see each other most evenings, but when it was time for him to leave I started to fall apart. I wasn't sleeping well and this was affecting my school performance. Again I pleaded with my Father in Heaven, begging Him to deliver me from this nightmare. The response that came to me was akin to what Elder Baxter described his mother hearing during a most desperate prayer, "...You can’t come to me now. … But I can come to you."

And He did come, through friendship and acts of service from others. Notably, Tim had created a music playlist for studying that included a classical composition that gave me hope. Something about its progression made me feel closer to Heaven, nearer to relief. This song played as another first year medical student named Sonia and I were preparing for one of our many big exams and she perked up, smiled, and said she was the composer's great-niece. What were the chances of that? It seemed fateful, so I got to know her better and quickly realized she lived in the apartment building right behind where I was staying! We became fast friends and she took me in. No more lonely nights, only late ones between new buds studying anatomy and biochemistry. Sonia and I are dear friends to this day, and I credit her for helping me to survive this rough chapter of my life.

Tim and I were married in the Redlands California temple in 2003, just a few days after my anatomy final. I remember marinating my hands in perfumed lotions to rid them of the formaldehyde smell in time to place them across the altar. I also recall the confusion in my heart as we celebrated an ordinance centered on family while my own was absent (we finally received their blessings, but none would join us for the wedding festivities). I had made the correct choice, so why did I feel punished? I had always been an obedient daughter, so why did I have to work so hard for approval? These conflicting emotions would follow me through the early years of marriage, especially as my schoolwork intensified and outsiders grew concerned I had placed career before motherhood.

I was wrapping up my first year of medical school and Tim had decided to tack on a part-time MBA  when our bishop invited us to become temple workers. He said this would provide a beautiful foundation for our marriage, and guide in making important decisions together. We weren't sure how this would fit into our busy schedules, but this felt right for us. We began our temple service on Saturday mornings and after our shift we made sure to spend time in the celestial room for what we considered to be check-ins with God. Was He still supportive of our ambitious career paths? Should we start now to have children? For years the answer was 'yes' to the first question; 'not now' for the second. Having this answer come to us clearly in prayer, in the House of the Lord, gave us the confidence to proceed with our choices and not mind (too much) when others supposed we were dragging our feet to have children.

I successfully completed medical school and chose a residency program in physical medicine and rehabilitation. This is a specialty centered on helping people heal after they have suffered a loss of some kind. The first year of training, also known as intern year, was in general medicine and it was brutal. I had a long commute and was working more than 80 hours most weeks. I began to regret ever choosing this career path! By the grace of God I survived it. As I settled into my chosen specialty I remembered why I went into the medical field, and I wanted nothing more than a simple routine to refocus. That, of course, is when the Spirit whispered it was time to start having children.

In 1Nephi 3:7 we learn that, "the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them," but that doesn't mean the task is easy. Having a child during residency, even a non-surgical one, was no simple feat. I had terrible nausea from pregnancy and couldn't even step foot in the kitchen without gagging. Tim took over all the cooking and never once complained. When I delivered our baby boy in 2009, our lives became a team effort involving friends and family.  I am thankful my parents came around to put our differences aside to love their grandson. They went from being vehemently opposed to the mere mention of the Gospel, to making sure they were present for the primary program at church. This little guy became everyone's number one priority, but being a doctor and taking care of patients drew the remainder of my time and energy. Often my marriage felt like two ships sailing past each other in the night. Tim and I refer to this time simply as "survivor mode."

Despite the hardships, there were tender moments that demonstrated God's championing of our efforts. The one that stands out the most is when our little guy was two years old and had come down with a fever one morning. He looked absolutely miserable. I was supposed to drop him off with a friend whom we had hired to care for him while I was away taking care of veterans in clinic. Most of these patients traveled from far away to get their aches and pains addressed. I felt conflicted because I did not want to cancel on them, but how could I leave my son when he was feeling so sick? I prayed to have the strength to do the right thing, and just then my toddler laid himself out at the bottom of the stairs, his head sweaty. With a penitent heart I called my clinic to inform them I would not be coming in that day. The secretary was quick to inform me I would be upsetting a lot of people, some who were likely en route and had been waiting for this appointment for some time. Then she said, "I... I don't believe it. I don't know how this happened but, your clinic was never scheduled for today." The love of God washed over me in that moment. He was in the details of my motherhood, even my duty to patients.

By the time I completed training my life looked very different from when I started this path, and I knew I had transformed and even saved others' lives, as well. Nevertheless I had an unsettling feeling I should forego my career altogether. How could this be a bad thought if it would allow me to stay at home with my son, and our daughter on the way? Yet I couldn't find peace, even when I weighed every pro and con. Nothing seemed clear. I poured out my concerns to God who listened intently, and I waited for an answer. None came. Frustrated, I began asking around for advice and I heard it all. I would be "wasting" my education if I stayed at home! I could never be fulfilled if I continued to "neglect" my children! I stopped asking after seeing this pattern of extremes develop. One week, however, I kept bumping into a young man who I hadn't seen in years. I found it odd, and finally I blurted, "I'm looking for answers and I keep finding you. Do you have something to say about whether or not I should continue doctoring?" He didn't seem surprised by this non sequitur. He simply grinned and told me about his own mother. She went back to school while he and his siblings were youth, first for her masters, and then for a PhD in psychology. He said she became an example to her children, teaching them the value of an education. At this time she was actively serving as a medical missionary, and they could not be more proud of her. He added that he never once felt overlooked. This was exactly what I needed to hear, and it taught me something: The best choice will not look the same for everyone; it will be what your Father in Heaven has in store for you.

I took a part-time job after residency because I knew the demands of a second pregnancy would wear me thin. Little did I know this would also trigger an autoimmune response that would cause chronic pain and debilitating flares beginning in 2012 after the birth of our daughter. I couldn't make sense of it. Why did Heavenly Father carry me this far only to drop me into the pit of health problems? For years I wondered, feeling inadequate at both parenting and doctoring because I was drained by my disease. I finally managed to get off of steroids using medical insights from Sonia. When I became unexpectedly pregnant in 2015 it was not ideal because I still had high levels of inflammation, but I took this as a sign that my body was stronger than I had given it credit. Unfortunately, I ended up having an early miscarriage that showed me I could in fact sink deeper than where I had been, and made me resent the "foolish" hope I had.

It was in this low of lows that God forecasted a victory greater than what I had lost. This is what He told me as I bled. This is the vision He shared as I couldn't make it past my bed, as I doubled the injections of immunosuppressants. But how? The simple answer is, by placing all my trust and following Him because the only way out was up. I partnered with another female physician (and mother) to have a successful fourth pregnancy in 2017. Then I received a blessing informing me that I could apply my knowledge to piece together my disease, and I set about to do just that. It didn't happen overnight, but by 2019 I was off all medications and feeling like a new person. If you can believe it, in the middle of this health transformation I went back for additional training in a new field called clinical informatics, which has provided me with countless opportunities to lead and serve, all while having more flexibility to spend time with Tim and the children. A true godsend.

Last year I met a young woman who asked me if she could join the Church and still have a career and a family. I told her I'm a wife, mother, and a doctor and she was was visibly relieved. I explained how each step of my life has been taken with consideration and prayer, and in this we can find peace no matter which path we choose or find ourselves on. She said many things that reminded me of myself at her same age, including her tendency to "people please," which caused me to reflect on when I felt the Lord's timeline for starting a family made me appear as a slothful servant. Looking back I could see that if I had had my children any sooner, I would have triggered my disease without the medical knowledge to fight it. Not only would I not have my baby today, but I likely would have been stuck with a chronic disease that would prevent me from mothering to my full potential. I had learned the healer's art for my patients, and indeed myself. And now another verse from Lord, I Would Follow Me stands out:

Find in thee my strength, my beacon,
For thy servant I would be.

How grateful I am to be at this point, to see the hand of the Lord carry me this far, and His loving mercy penetrate the details of my life. All glory to God. Amen.

"That talk on Menstruation"

I wrote this talk on 5/10/20 in less than 2 hours. More like it wrote itself. I delivered it as a sermon of sorts over Zoom to my family of friends in the morning, and to my righteous doctrinal babes in the evening.

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I know we said we’d keep things informal, but I did throw together a talk for today.

A friend of mine, Bryn, noted how most societies liken the image of woman to dainty, fresh flowers, when ironically women’s bodies are hardly like that. Being a (cis) woman involves regular bleeding. Motherhood involves leaking from glands. It’s brutal, it’s primal, and much of that mirrors the Atonement.

Likewise, much of the world prefers to see the cleaned up Jesus. Clothed in white robes, his wounds a mere stroke of the artist’s pen. I grew up in the Catholic Church, as you know, and my Mexican Jesus looks nothing like that. He is bathed in blood, thorns puncturing his scalp, mouth in agony.

How do we reconcile these opposing concepts? Bloody yet pure. Agonized, but powerful and in control.

In Alma Chapter 5 it describes two groups of people who BOTH have garments covered in blood. One is considered clean and washed still, the other is stained with the blood of those they harmed during their lifetimes. I found this interesting because we so often say the Lamb’s (Jesus Christ) blood will wash us clean and “white” but that color description is likely figurative rather than literal. In line with this, we read in Exodus Chapter 29, V 21 that Aaron and his sons were prepared to receive priesthood keys by having the ram’s blood “sprinkle[d] upon Aaron, and upon his garments, and upon his sons, and upon the garments of his sons with him: and he shall be hallowed, and his garments, and his sons, and his sons’ garments with him.”

That changes the imagery, doesn’t it? Much like how our made-for-TV version of childbirth gets replaced by the bloodbath that is labor and delivery once we get to witness or experience it for ourselves.

So why am I sharing this? Well, I thought it might make (insert that dude, we all know that dude) squirm and that’s always a goal of mine. But more important, there are two concepts here that can be life-changing, life-giving.

The first is that this cleaned up, perfectionist version of life, we get to delete it from our files. Life is messy. And this is coming from me, someone who appreciates a neat and clean home, and who keeps her label-maker close by. But what I mean is that so long as we follow what God wants us to do, we needn’t fear what things looks like on the outside. Historically, women have been examples to the world for how this is done. From the beginning, Eve was charged with original sin, when actually she was furthering God’s Plan. Rebekah deceived Isaac so that God’s chosen son would receive His blessing (and Hebrew records indicate she was at a minimum disfellowshipped for this). Mary agreed to be an unwed mother, despite how slutty that appeared. These women, these mothers, agreed to look just as stained as the wicked, because they knew their blemishes came from the Lamb of God.*

A dear friend of mine, Jill Brim, was able to work with a professor of Hebrew studies and he informed her that the verse “Be ye therefore perfect” had been cut off from its original translation, which included ‘… having had all the ordinances of salvation.” Like Aaron and his sons, the ordinances and rites remain important and true, but what we do with that power will not look “perfect” to the world. When done right it will involve dirt under the nails from hard work, spit-up on your shoulder, and a running nose from how hard you’ve cried. These human functions are charity made manifest, which is the greatest power on earth. Those who do not fully grasp the Atonement, who are not aware the Messiah has come and will return, cannot process this imagery so they must codify and even subjugate it with rites like the Mikveh, or fixate on superficial signs like Sunday best.

The second thing we gain from understanding the Atonement’s relationship with a clean show of blood is this concept of Jesus, the Hen who gathers in her chicks (Matthew 23:37, 3 Nephi 10). I had two very insightful moments with my pregnancies. When I carried my daughter, the verse about “bowels full of mercy” became illuminated in my mind and I understood bowels to mean womb. I checked this with Bro. Barron (a Jewish convert to the Church and former institute teacher) who told me that indeed the Hebrew word ramach for uterus was close to remech (as used in the original translation), meaning low, humbled, charitable.  This lined up with the time when I was delivering my first born, and the words came to me that, “Jesus the Father is our language’s attempt to describe male mother.” The Mosiah chapters in the Book of Mormon spend some time on this, linking Son to Father and Father to Son. Elsewhere we see repeated “He has born our sins.”

So here we have Jesus, our male mother, and a life of charity marked by stained garments. To me, Christianity is all about these paradoxes. Of the poor becoming kings and queens. Of the persecuted being called blessed. If we put our faith in Christ we see these things for ourselves. We will receive these truths and powers not as the world giveth, and they will endow us comfort and joy, even and especially as the world around us is in chaos. It won’t be pretty, but it will be beautiful.

Amen.

*It reminds me of a quote from Elder Talmage, Be not afraid of soiling [your]  hands; be not afraid of scars that may come to [if] won in earnest effort, or [won] in honest fight, but beware of scars that disfigure, that have come to you in places where you ought not have gone.”

Women and Church Callings: Under the MAGNIFYing Lens

"We've called you to the nursery!"

 I was chatting with a friend whose very devout LDS mother-in-law told her a simple truth, "Women find value in church callings."  And I've been thinking about this ever since, because in the context of the conversation this woman was implying personal value.

This friend of mine is a lawyer; I'm a doctor. We don't derive much value from organizational* callings, to be quite honest. We were on this subject to discuss just that. Is it because we're cold-hearted career women? Ha! Do we love service? Yes! Do we want to dedicate our time and talents for good? Yes! Do we think that's best done within the stifling constraints of the patriarchy with the expectation that we'll use much of said time and talents to be a craft queen and the hostess with the mostess?** NO. So as we were discussing this she shared that quote from her mother-in-law, a stay-at-home mom. It came from the heart and with an explanation that so many LDS women forego education and/or career to raise a family without recognition. Church callings, this mother explained, give women like her a job to do with certain deliverables (my term, not hers) that garner public praise. In my experience these deliverables are often a seasonal banquette with impressive centerpieces and checked boxes for young women's activities. 

I love that this woman and so many other LDS women can find fulfillment like that. What I'm not keen on is the setup that makes these callings essential nourishment in a system that is anemic with female power. To be specific, several generations have passed during which LDS women have been exhorted/told/commanded to sacrifice their aspirations to support their husband's career, and instead accept callings that groom them to consistently double-check with a man. When a "good LDS woman has to work" (she'd never choose to, right?) too often she's made to feel contrite about it, and this is where church callings are accepted as penance. It's not a good look. And there are those who might interject at this point to say a woman always has the ability to decline a calling but, let's be clear, there's a lot of guilt built into that. The better thing to examine is if a woman can ever really give full consent to a calling when told the "offer" is coming from God and confirmed by a man whose power will always trump her own. 

This is not just a thought exercise for me and my friend. We're both at the age where childbirth is wrapping up, kids are nearly all school aged. For us this means we're more likely to be called to an organizational role (which was indeed the case for me).  For our same-age friends who find their value in church callings --let me be clear, this is not synonymous with staying at home-- I'm observing, hearing, listening to them explain a seismic shift to their world and their response to that, which appears to be either a doubling-down on church calling commitment and/or an honest reexamination of their life's choices to determine if they'd been true to themselves. A dear friend of mine determined sacrificing her aspirations had been the result of institutionalized shame, and this realization happened to occur when she was released from a calling. She described it as falling without a rope to hold on to. My heart broke for her. 

No woman should be led to feel or believe her worth rests in church callings. If you're reading that thinking no one is doing that intentionally, that's fine, but it's happening anyway and we need to stop that. At the same time, I do believe in helping where I can and accepting inspired callings that humble me because Lord knows I need it, and I know my worth isn't defined by my outward performance. And I share that as an educated woman who not long ago was chided for putting the "iron rod cheese stick in the Nephi fruit boat" as part of her calling. The struggle goes on. 

*i.e. "leader" versus teacher

**seems to be the cultural expectation

A Deep Dive into the Priesthood(s) of God

Okay, this is a doctrine-according-to-me post.

To start I'll need to list some pertinent definitions:

Office: a special duty, charge, or position conferred by an exercise of governmental authority and for a public purpose : a position of authority to exercise a public function and to receive whatever emoluments may belong to it (m-w.com)

Order: a group of people united in a formal way OR a special duty, charge, or position conferred by an exercise of governmental authority and for a public purpose : a position of authority to exercise a public function and to receive whatever emoluments may belong to it (m-w.com)

Now to tackle this question: What's the difference between the Aaronic and Levitical Priesthoods? IS there any difference?

Yes, there's a big difference that makes the promise that the Aaronic Priesthood will never again be taken from the earth a big deal (see D&C 13:1), and it's that the Aaronic Priesthood can be shared with any worthy male, even outside the House of Israel.

I know the above image is hard to see, but if you were to zoom in it shows the House of Israel setup where male involvement equals patrilineal priesthood and the female role centers on producing heirs to the covenant. Make note that to be a Levitical priest you didn't just have to be male, you had to be a Jewish woman's firstborn, have no blemish, and your priestly father must bless you before he dies. Later on the angels come down from heaven to take Aaron and his sons through the washing and anointing process so that the priesthood can be extended to all worthy literal sons of Aaron (Exodus 40:12). This, in essence, becomes Levitical Priesthood 2.0. When the Early Church is formed, all worthy males are given access to the Aaronic Priesthood as we know it now, but this practice is eventually killed off (literally and figuratively). The Restoration brings back the more accessible Aaronic Priesthood.

As the above relates to keys, I see it this way. The apostles of the Church each hold 3 keys, which are 1) The Gathering of Israel, 2) the Abrahamic Covenant, and 3) Sealing power. Gathering of Israel is inherently female (you need to be born of a Jewish mother). Abrahamic Covenant is inherently male (your father must be a priest to receive His power). The sealing keys unite male and female for eternity. It's a nice triad. Note too that the office of Bishop rightfully belongs to a son of Aaron, and the gentile in that position is really just a seat warmer (see D&C 107:73). The keys to the Aaronic priesthood are for the outward ordinances (e.g. repentance, baptism), as well as ministering angels. The latter makes sense because the Aaronic Priesthood was initiated by actual angels descending to earth to minister to Aaron and his sons when the lower law (i.e. The Ten Commandments) were given.

Now let's talk Melchizedek Priesthood. It holds the keys to the spiritual things of the Church. You need it to confirm newly baptized members, to perform the sealing ordinance, and much more. We learn in D&C 107:4 that this priesthood is actually the Lord's priesthood, but to avoid overuse of his name it was called after Melchizedek who "was such a great high priest"  (see D&C 107:4 & 2).

Let's dive into this a bit more, though...

Because Melchizedek was notably NOT from the House of Israel.

Yeah, say that again. Melchizedek was NOT from the House of Israel. He was not an heir to the blessing of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. How do we know this? Because Abraham paid tithes to Melchizedek as a respected elder, meaning he was alive at the same time and not a descendant of Abraham. You know who else was outside of the House of Israel? All gentiles, and everyone else born before Abraham... Which includes Father Adam himself!

I point this out because it makes the Melchizedek Priesthood standout and gives hope to people who feel stifled within the four walls of the House of Israel (I'm looking at you, ladies). We then step back and see a priesthood that centers on Melchizedek, but begins with Adam and will ultimately end with Christ's return. This is some true Alpha - Omega power going on. It follows that the associated covenant would be new (Adam) and everlasting (Christ), and encompassing of all promises and blessings in and out of Abraham's posterity (i.e. House of Israel and beyond).

We learn in Moses 5&6 that Adam did not always have this great priesthood. It wasn't until he gave sacrifices that he was overcome by the Holy Ghost and baptized and confirmed by Him through the Spirit. (That fact, by the way, underscores why the Melchizedek Priesthood pertains to Spiritual matters.) From that time, all the sons of Adam had a birthright, but only the chosen few received his patriarchal blessing to join this holy order. (This is the same pattern for Abraham: sacrificing in similitude of the Father and Son, subsequent covenants and power from father to son.)

At the same time Adam entered into a priesthood covenant with the Lord, Eve also had the Holy Ghost come upon her (see Moses 5:11). Like Sarah, there was likely a key associated to the female component of this priesthood power. We don't know much about this except that trees are an important source of power and imagery relating to women (see this breakdown, and this one re: wisdom, James 1:5 and the Sacred Grove) and could be the token for priestess-hood. When we later read about Deborah the Prophetess we might think she's an anomaly in the House of Israel (i.e. a woman with power beyond procreation), but the more I study this I believe she was calling down a birthright as a Daughter of Eve (not Sarah), which was symbolized by her standing under a (date palm) tree.

Why have I dragged you down this rabbit hole? Why are we here in the priesthood weeds? For a couple of reasons. 1. We need to appreciate why priesthood restoration is a big deal for the rest of mankind and 2. methinks that the next chapter for women and priesthood power will come by filling in the details of the New and Everlasting Covenant. Whereas our greatest promise had been eternal power onto our husbands in the House of Israel (i.e. Aaronic, Levitical) and temporal authority in the offices thereof, the door is opening on the Melchizedek side for greater things in store. --Likely alongside the Adamic order. The Melchizedek key that relates to this is, "the key of the mysteries of the knowledge of God." (See D&C 84:19)

Predictions --because no pre-General Conference post is good without predictions-- we're going to take bigger steps toward gathering Israel, and in parallel the New and Everlasting Covenant will endow more women with more power in the temple... or perhaps in a grove of trees! (Why not, right?)

For what it's worth, I ended up in this doctrinal pursuit based on the prompts and clues President Nelson sent. So there's that. :)

Follow-up thought: The temple exists to take the sons of Aaron and make them the sons of Adam again. The temple exists to take the daughters of Eve and make them the daughters of Sarah, as well.